Wednesday 25th July 2006

On the cusp of her imagination, the fringes of her mind lie stories of elves and giants, of lovers and villians, of passions and remorse. These stories slowly seep into her brain and she cannot help but think of them as a curse for she is left persistently unsatisfied by reality. She wants more of the drama of the imaginary lives that dvelve in her head and therefore shuns reality consistently, waiting for fantasy to come to life.

Where is her lover? Where is her happiness? Where is the peace of mind? The contentedness that comes after fighting for the soul? Where is the anger? The jealousy? The passion and the hope that marks a life well lived?

Anything but this boredom. This feeling of uselessness. Before she knows it she will be too old. She will be a mother. A wife. A grandmother. And then gone. Where is the wildness? The Wutheringheights-ness of it all?

10th June 2007

You know i just re read my blog- as in the whole thing (there's not a lot of it so it was no big feat)- and I sound oddly depressed. Which is weird because I am one of the happiest people I know.

Is this Inner Me coming to light? Will Inner Me eventaully take over... err... Outer Me?

Stay tuned for updates
More soon

10th June 2007

Crap Again

Random men in
random homes
leave random messages
on my phone
and I am left feeling
random
Do you feel random?
Because if you do I can
sympathise
Randomness is fun
when you're a kid
and then you grow
and grow
and randomness breaks you
into tiny pieces
tiny tiny tiny
and you are left
feeling like
crap

10th June 2007

Satisfying Crap

Your heads full
of crap
and your mind's full
of crap
and your tongue speaks
crap
and you are
crap
and I am
crap
and we shall all
be crap
together
because crappiness leaves me
melancholy
and
weirdly satisfied

23rd May 2007

So am back.

Do you lead a boring life but have your head so full most of the time that you feel as if you're going crazy most of time.

Maybe i should start meditation.

I wish my head would calm down though. Have exams coming up and cannot afford it going crazy on me. Am listening to "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. I love this song.

I really really really should study. What's wrong with me? Is anyone else doing this? Will go crazy. Just feel ergh most of the time. Don't know what's wrong. I mean i'm either wildly happy or bleh most of the time. I should really calm down. There is sense in moderation someone once said (atleast i think someone once said this).

I don't know ANYTHING.

Isn't the battle for self supposed to be more meaningful than this? I mean aren't i supposed to be off experiencing heartbreak and love and making mistakes? Instead i'm sitting on my bed ranting on my laptop. The laptop is pretty though. And the keybard is smooth.

Feel like chocolate. Still hope its just PMS.

More soon soon soon soon soon

21st May 2007

It is almost a month later! I don't know why i'm saying this so cheerfully. I should be sad about neglecting this blog. But no matter. Feel particularly happy today for no particular reason. (Too much usage of the word particular). Anyway where were we? oh yes. Last night i got a proper sleep. After a very long time. The past couple of nights have been sleeping at 3 or 4 am and then waking up and taking class and then coming back and sleeping the afternoon away. And then i study for two or three hours and then i chat online and then i sleep again. Tis a sad life. But one that i was starting to enjoy.

Don't fear though. Common sense has prevailed. My room now has a poster saying " Sleep Early. Don't be desperate. No Chatting". Everytime i feel like 'going online' simply look at it and firmly shake my head. Miraculously my willpower, so far, has won. Last night went to bed at 11! And woke up at 8am today and feel so proud and bright. But the thing is, I should be studying. But am not. Does everybody do this? Because am starting to get alarmed. Have turned procastination into an art. And exams coming up. And for some reason everyone seems to think am girl genius. It's the glasses I think.

Anyway so that is why i am blogging. Cannot chat as will get addicted and will eventually fall back into despicable old habits again, so instead, am blogging.

Why am i blogging about why i am blogging?

Sigh. This entry shows that my intellectual level has not risen since my last post. Perhaps it would have had i studied *glares accusingly at brain and the part of myself that makes me study*.

Agh roommate is driving me crazy. She's an amazing person and normally we are all sweetness and light together but her accent is driving me up the wall. She talks to people as if they were babies. You know. Baby talk.

*grimaces* *winces* *groans*.... would go on but am out of words. Thought 'groan' was stretching it a bit far.

You know that song by Coldplay? called "Yellow". It's really old but i am listening to it now. I love it.

i drewww a lineeeeeee i drewwww a lineeeee for youuuu.............. you knowwwwwwwwwwwwwww...................... for you i bleed myself dryyyyy.......... it's trueeeeeeee.........look how they shine for you...................... you know i love you so.

Well i've mixed it up a bit here. But amazing song. Have a listen next time you feel like feeling yum.

I love Coldplay *feels all cosy and warm inside*

Anyway I have decided that i want to fall in love. I do not want an arranged marriage or have to settle for someone. And I want to be happy. And be everything i wanted to be as a child. What brings this on you ask?

Well recently my friends have started to talk about majoring in different subjects. And for some inconcievable reason, accounts is an option many of them looking at. Why? Money. Now i'm all for money but did anyone honestly grow up thinking "When i grow up, I want to balance sheets?" Or produce relaible financial statements. I understand that its practical and everything but doesn't it feel sort of like selling out? I mean when i was growing up, I wanted to be a detective and a witch and a writer and just many many things. But i did not want to study business. Studying business I am though. Agh i don't know what i'm saying. I'm dumb. but somehow everything feels sort of like a cop out now. This is not what i wanted for me in life. I wanted to be properly happy and carefree and just Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. In my mind's eye I see wise old men with long white beards (are they ever without the long white beards?) nodding sagely and quietly muttering something amongst themselves. Sounds suspiciously like "reality".

Reality sucks. You know it would be fun to be crazy. Maybe crazy people aren't really crazy. They've just invented their own world and live in it. To hell with reality. We like dancing.

Am i being cliched? Perhaps.

I am a cliched person though. Maybe its just PMS. Lets hope.

More soon.

30 April 2007

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again.

My question is... how can the king's horse's help? It makes you think.

Deep deep.

Hmm. Should really be working on accounts. And i need to poo. i like the word poo. Reminds me of Winnie the Pooh. Did the word "poo" exist when they were creating Winnie the Pooh? I wonder. Sigh. I'm in university. You would think i have more intellectual things to think about. Like saving the world. Was talking to Rachel today. And my parents. And i think i want to go to Somalia for my student exchange program. Or a really underdeveloped country. I think I need direction and passion in my life. Plus I would look really good with those braids in my hair. You know... like African people (is this entry racist?). Mother Teresa did it for India. Why can't I do it for Africa? I spoke to my dad and he was surprisingly freaked out by the idea and kept telling me (half seriously) to "Shut up".

It's weird that he would take it so seriously and freak out. Maybe its the fact that I'm not living at home and am alone abroad and he's scared of the fact that I could do whatever I want. Which is still weird. Because technically he's still paying for everything.

hmm... hmmm.

He asked me to "be normal". Now most people would think, that is such a cliched narrow minded thing to say. But see that's the beauty of parents. They have the right to say narrow minded things to you. They don't care either if its narrow minded or not. It's like "haha i'm your parent. I talk you listen".

But then again, I doubt Mother Teresa faced the same opposition. But as my father, in his parent-like and realistic way pointed out, "Are you Mother Teresa?". The debate could have gone on but i really did not feel like getting into it.

More soon.

Ok so it is much much later. I have studied and managed to partly tackle accounts. It is not so bad anymore. I have always liked numbers. I am listening to "It Ends Tonight" by All American Rejects. I love the chorus. LOVE LOVE. Hmm a friend was just online but he's gone off :( I have always enjoyed talking to him.

There is not really much to say. I was sleeping today. Well actually I was lying down and was in that half awake, half dreaming state (my roommate is disbelieving and is convinced I was asleep). But anyway I dreamt of this little boy. And he kept stretching when i touched him. I don't mean stretching as in craning his neck. But stretching as in his arms would just grow longer and longer and longer and his stomach stretched. He was rubber man. Weird.

Am bored bored bored bored bored.

More soon.

29 April 2007

As usual I am bored. I did not blog yesterday because I was not bored. I Want to fall in love. NOW. No one to love.

What is wrong with me? *anguished tone of voice* sigh. Yes yes. Me the drama queen.

I’m in a bad mood because the printer is out of ink. Why is it out of ink? Huh? Huh? *throws up hands threateningly* (who am I threatening?) I just bought a new ink cartridge. Hate this. Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.

I think I want chocolate.

More soon.

PS: once upon a time in a far away land. there lived a princess all sexy and tanned. This princess was stupid and was hated by cupid. I hate this princess too. You are all idiots and i can't stand you. Neither can the princess and we all lived happily ever after. ARGH

that was just pure frustration and nothing-to-do ness.

27 April 2007 Friday

So am back. And still bored. Wonder what’s going on now. I smell something weird. Maybe I stink. Maybe I don’t. Maybe I do. Hmm. This could go on forever. Lalalalala am bored. Bored bored bored. My roommate keeps signing into msn. She has a horrible display picture. She’s nice. But weird. Weird weird weird. I really need to stop the repetition thing. Ok not that this is interesting but I have a test on Monday. AND I have to work on accounts ALL weekend as well. And the test is on stats. I hate stats. HATE. I’m still repeating myself.

There are workers outside. They’re fixing the ceiling. Am wondering what to do. They woke me up this morning. The workers I mean. There was this clanging noise on the wall and I woke up (which is a good thing or I would have missed my accounts tutorial) and I poked my head out the door and in the corridor right outside the toilet there was whole line of men. I sort of cocked my head to the side and stared at them dumbly for a while wondering how I was going to get to the washroom and wash my face and brush my teeth before going to class. There were bits of wet cement dripping off the ceiling as well. So every so often something would land on the floor. Anyway where was I? Oh yes so I was staring at them and then they stopped work and one of them goes “Stop” to the rest. So they all stopped. And then I ran through (ran in order to avoid being spattered with wet cement) and then when I was done I ran back to my room.

I told this to a friend this morning and she wasn’t too impressed with the story. Thought I was making a big deal out of nothing. But you know, being in danger of being attached by wet cement is no small thing in my book on any day. So yes. That friend sucks.

My hair looks nice today. You know when you look nice except there is no one around to appreciate it? That sucks. A LOT. I feel like being admired. And out. I feel like dressing up. There’s no where to go though. And no one to go with. And no where to go. I cannot stress enough that there is nowhere to go. Sigh. I need friends. I mean I have friends but I need people I can CLICK with. I was having this conversation with a friend today. About finding a group you can click with. Sigh. I say sigh a lot. Well I mean I feel like sighing a lot.

Have you noticed how the battery in a clock almost NEVER runs out? Or one day if your clock stops working you just take out the battery and put it back in and voila! Its working again. It’s weird. That came into my head because there’s a really old alarm clock right in front of me.

I want to go out and be looked at. Blatantly looked at. Am so bored. I should really study accounts. So much for university life being wild. Where do they get those college movies from? Really I want to know. Maybe you need to be in the states. Still I wouldn’t really want to go wild. I’m one of those people who like being in a rut. I like knowing people a long time. And hanging out with the same type of people. And just being in a routine. It’s ironic that I move around so much. I never actually grasped the true meaning of the word ironic. I just have a sense of what it means. But if someone asked me to define “irony” I would have no clue. I would be like “errr”. Completely puzzled. Bamboozled. That’s a funny word. Bamboozled.

Hmm I wonder if I’m boring. Or passionless. Maybe I am. I mean I don’t really know a lot. I like being in a rut. I’m not doing anything exciting and my adventure stories consist of things like not being able to go to the toilet because the ceiling is being fixed. I was talking to a friend last night. And ever since I had known her she had loved Japan. Like loved loved loved. And she was learning Japanese at school and she was just crazy about it. And nobody understood where she got this love of all things Japanese from. I mean I’d understand if she’d always wanted to go to Europe or something but…Japan? And then I talked to her yesterday after a long time on msn. It’s been like three years. And she’s in Japan at the moment. She got granted a scholarship by the Japanese government and just I was like aggggggggh.

There was this moment where I was hit by this bolt of both admiration and jealousy. I mean it must be amazing to be so passionate about something that you work for it your whole life and then eventually get somewhere. To have that sort of drive must feel like something. I have no drive. I mean I’m studying business but why? I hate the subject. It’s boring and well useless. The only reason I’m studying it is because I am equally bored with everything else. I like writing but then… after I graduate how will I get a job? “Hi! I’ve got a bachelors in writing…Employ me!” And I’m not so good anyway. Understand that this is not a put-myself-down fest. It’s just reality. Anyone who reads a lot can write. It’s no big deal. But how come I’m not passionate about a place or a goal or something.

You know sometimes I get these flashes. Not premonitions haha. I wish. But I suddenly have this idea and I think “I’ll do it!” but half way through I just lose interest. The other day I thought I would write a children’s book. I spent four hours researching publishers on the net. But today I really don’t care anymore. Is anyone else like that? You know a lot of people are actually. Most people are alike. All that stuff about “we are all individuals” is crap. Everyone is exactly the same. We think the same. We feel the same. The same sort of things make us feel good. The same sort of things make us feel bad. It’s just how we express everything that’s different. But then why is my friend in Japan so motivated? Why am I so not motivated? Sigh. The mysteries of life. I shall not attempt to fathom them today. Maybe tomorrow.

More soon.

26 April 2007 Thursday

Randomness is nice. I like random people. Especially hippies. For some reason hippies and randomness goes hand hand in hand in my mind. I’m listening to “Look What You’ve Done” by Jet. It’s a nice song. I’m nineteen and don’t have a boyfriend. How sad am I? I have a feeling this is mainly going to be a rant over the fact that I am single (and likely to remain so). I would like it to be deep thought provoking insights into the average teenage girl’s mind. Sadly it’s just me being, well, sad.

You know those lines that come up on Microsoft Word under words when you’ve spelled something wrong? The green ones for wrong grammar and the red ones for spelling mistakes? Those are really annoying. For some reason I can’t seem to go on unless there is no red or green line ANYWHERE. I’m bored.

I need a boy. I need a boy. Not a boy I guess. A man. Shit. Nineteen. That’s old old old old old old old. I’m old Damn red lines. Too much repetition on the word old I guess. Now begins my defiance. Against the lines I mean.

I hate waiting for lifts. Hate hate hate hate hate. Living on the 24th floor sucks. You have to take the time it takes in the lift into account when you’re preplanning your arrival somewhere. Preplanning your arrival. Haha. I sound so important. This is turning into one of those put myself down thingies. Not good.

Deep breath. I am pretty. I am hot. I am smart (even though am currently getting average marks) AND I don’t know a single person who hates me. In fact some people like me.

I am also self absorbed. But you know that’s not such a bad thing. I like being self absorbed. I’m only self absorbed on the inside. I don’t go around discussing myself around people.

People suck. They don’t actually. I don’t know why I wrote that. People suck when you don’t know them properly. But you know I have a theory that when you get to know someone. I mean really know them… you fall in love with them. It doesn’t matter whether they’re cruel or mean or whatever. If you know them you love them. Most people I know have faults. Really annoying ones. Sometimes they don’t even have faults and they just rub you the wrong way. But when you get to know someone even if you don’t like them, you’re comfortable around them. Love is being comfortable. AGGGGH how profound was that. Of course I wouldn’t know having never been in love.

“oooooooh look what you’ve done you’ve made a fool of everyone…. Oooooooooh well it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won”. I love the way the band sings this song. Oooooooooooooooooh look….. nevermind. I love music. I know it sounds pretentious but its fun. And I always imagine that the lead singer is singing to me and I have an amazing time conjuring up events that would have taken place for him to have written the song for me. If it’s a female band or singer then I imagine I’m the singer. That’s fun too.

I wonder why Britney Spears went bald. I am so not up to date with current events. Ha. It’s funny that Britney Spears going bald is a ‘current event’ in my book. I need to broaden my… horizons or whatever you call them. But anyway leaving my lack of current events knowledge aside for the moment… why did she go bald? Wait I’ll look it up on the net. “You want answers? Google it!” *screams voice in my head*. Hmm wow surprisingly a lot of people care about this. There are many articles out there. Most of them saying she went bald because she’s gone mental. Maybe she has. I don’t know. The point I was trying to make was that I want a wild haircut. I have wanted a wild haircut since well… forever. And have never had it. Mainly because everyone tells me I have amazing wavy/curly hair and tells me not be stupid. And well… when people put it like that how could I possibly go through with it? The haircut I mean. It would be purely ungrateful on my part. But you know…. Haircuts are exciting. Every time you get one done you feel this is IT. You are turning into a new YOU. After this haircut you will be a different person- beautiful, hot, crazy… whatever you want. Of course it never happens. You always look almost the same after the haircut. Unless of course you do something drastic. But I’ve never done anything drastic. Maybe I should though *strokes chin thoughtfully*. Sigh I have a feeling this is going to be a lifelong contemplation thingy.

Ohhhhhhhh look what you’ve done……………………… I’m changing the song. I am listening to “Nobody” by Five for Fighting. Hmm it starts of all slow. AGGGGH his voice is nice. “I’ve never actually properly listened to this song. It’s nice. The chorus goes “I’m nobody (x million times). Depressing but I like the way he sort of croons/moans it. Very cute. People accuse me of saying cute too much. You know I’m sometimes scared of turning into Paris Hilton. I have a feeling I am slowly turning into her. Not physically. Mentally. Make of that what you will.

More soon.