Wednesday 25th July 2006

On the cusp of her imagination, the fringes of her mind lie stories of elves and giants, of lovers and villians, of passions and remorse. These stories slowly seep into her brain and she cannot help but think of them as a curse for she is left persistently unsatisfied by reality. She wants more of the drama of the imaginary lives that dvelve in her head and therefore shuns reality consistently, waiting for fantasy to come to life.

Where is her lover? Where is her happiness? Where is the peace of mind? The contentedness that comes after fighting for the soul? Where is the anger? The jealousy? The passion and the hope that marks a life well lived?

Anything but this boredom. This feeling of uselessness. Before she knows it she will be too old. She will be a mother. A wife. A grandmother. And then gone. Where is the wildness? The Wutheringheights-ness of it all?

10th June 2007

You know i just re read my blog- as in the whole thing (there's not a lot of it so it was no big feat)- and I sound oddly depressed. Which is weird because I am one of the happiest people I know.

Is this Inner Me coming to light? Will Inner Me eventaully take over... err... Outer Me?

Stay tuned for updates
More soon

10th June 2007

Crap Again

Random men in
random homes
leave random messages
on my phone
and I am left feeling
random
Do you feel random?
Because if you do I can
sympathise
Randomness is fun
when you're a kid
and then you grow
and grow
and randomness breaks you
into tiny pieces
tiny tiny tiny
and you are left
feeling like
crap

10th June 2007

Satisfying Crap

Your heads full
of crap
and your mind's full
of crap
and your tongue speaks
crap
and you are
crap
and I am
crap
and we shall all
be crap
together
because crappiness leaves me
melancholy
and
weirdly satisfied

23rd May 2007

So am back.

Do you lead a boring life but have your head so full most of the time that you feel as if you're going crazy most of time.

Maybe i should start meditation.

I wish my head would calm down though. Have exams coming up and cannot afford it going crazy on me. Am listening to "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. I love this song.

I really really really should study. What's wrong with me? Is anyone else doing this? Will go crazy. Just feel ergh most of the time. Don't know what's wrong. I mean i'm either wildly happy or bleh most of the time. I should really calm down. There is sense in moderation someone once said (atleast i think someone once said this).

I don't know ANYTHING.

Isn't the battle for self supposed to be more meaningful than this? I mean aren't i supposed to be off experiencing heartbreak and love and making mistakes? Instead i'm sitting on my bed ranting on my laptop. The laptop is pretty though. And the keybard is smooth.

Feel like chocolate. Still hope its just PMS.

More soon soon soon soon soon

21st May 2007

It is almost a month later! I don't know why i'm saying this so cheerfully. I should be sad about neglecting this blog. But no matter. Feel particularly happy today for no particular reason. (Too much usage of the word particular). Anyway where were we? oh yes. Last night i got a proper sleep. After a very long time. The past couple of nights have been sleeping at 3 or 4 am and then waking up and taking class and then coming back and sleeping the afternoon away. And then i study for two or three hours and then i chat online and then i sleep again. Tis a sad life. But one that i was starting to enjoy.

Don't fear though. Common sense has prevailed. My room now has a poster saying " Sleep Early. Don't be desperate. No Chatting". Everytime i feel like 'going online' simply look at it and firmly shake my head. Miraculously my willpower, so far, has won. Last night went to bed at 11! And woke up at 8am today and feel so proud and bright. But the thing is, I should be studying. But am not. Does everybody do this? Because am starting to get alarmed. Have turned procastination into an art. And exams coming up. And for some reason everyone seems to think am girl genius. It's the glasses I think.

Anyway so that is why i am blogging. Cannot chat as will get addicted and will eventually fall back into despicable old habits again, so instead, am blogging.

Why am i blogging about why i am blogging?

Sigh. This entry shows that my intellectual level has not risen since my last post. Perhaps it would have had i studied *glares accusingly at brain and the part of myself that makes me study*.

Agh roommate is driving me crazy. She's an amazing person and normally we are all sweetness and light together but her accent is driving me up the wall. She talks to people as if they were babies. You know. Baby talk.

*grimaces* *winces* *groans*.... would go on but am out of words. Thought 'groan' was stretching it a bit far.

You know that song by Coldplay? called "Yellow". It's really old but i am listening to it now. I love it.

i drewww a lineeeeeee i drewwww a lineeeee for youuuu.............. you knowwwwwwwwwwwwwww...................... for you i bleed myself dryyyyy.......... it's trueeeeeeee.........look how they shine for you...................... you know i love you so.

Well i've mixed it up a bit here. But amazing song. Have a listen next time you feel like feeling yum.

I love Coldplay *feels all cosy and warm inside*

Anyway I have decided that i want to fall in love. I do not want an arranged marriage or have to settle for someone. And I want to be happy. And be everything i wanted to be as a child. What brings this on you ask?

Well recently my friends have started to talk about majoring in different subjects. And for some inconcievable reason, accounts is an option many of them looking at. Why? Money. Now i'm all for money but did anyone honestly grow up thinking "When i grow up, I want to balance sheets?" Or produce relaible financial statements. I understand that its practical and everything but doesn't it feel sort of like selling out? I mean when i was growing up, I wanted to be a detective and a witch and a writer and just many many things. But i did not want to study business. Studying business I am though. Agh i don't know what i'm saying. I'm dumb. but somehow everything feels sort of like a cop out now. This is not what i wanted for me in life. I wanted to be properly happy and carefree and just Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay. In my mind's eye I see wise old men with long white beards (are they ever without the long white beards?) nodding sagely and quietly muttering something amongst themselves. Sounds suspiciously like "reality".

Reality sucks. You know it would be fun to be crazy. Maybe crazy people aren't really crazy. They've just invented their own world and live in it. To hell with reality. We like dancing.

Am i being cliched? Perhaps.

I am a cliched person though. Maybe its just PMS. Lets hope.

More soon.

30 April 2007

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. But all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put humpty dumpty back together again.

My question is... how can the king's horse's help? It makes you think.

Deep deep.

Hmm. Should really be working on accounts. And i need to poo. i like the word poo. Reminds me of Winnie the Pooh. Did the word "poo" exist when they were creating Winnie the Pooh? I wonder. Sigh. I'm in university. You would think i have more intellectual things to think about. Like saving the world. Was talking to Rachel today. And my parents. And i think i want to go to Somalia for my student exchange program. Or a really underdeveloped country. I think I need direction and passion in my life. Plus I would look really good with those braids in my hair. You know... like African people (is this entry racist?). Mother Teresa did it for India. Why can't I do it for Africa? I spoke to my dad and he was surprisingly freaked out by the idea and kept telling me (half seriously) to "Shut up".

It's weird that he would take it so seriously and freak out. Maybe its the fact that I'm not living at home and am alone abroad and he's scared of the fact that I could do whatever I want. Which is still weird. Because technically he's still paying for everything.

hmm... hmmm.

He asked me to "be normal". Now most people would think, that is such a cliched narrow minded thing to say. But see that's the beauty of parents. They have the right to say narrow minded things to you. They don't care either if its narrow minded or not. It's like "haha i'm your parent. I talk you listen".

But then again, I doubt Mother Teresa faced the same opposition. But as my father, in his parent-like and realistic way pointed out, "Are you Mother Teresa?". The debate could have gone on but i really did not feel like getting into it.

More soon.

Ok so it is much much later. I have studied and managed to partly tackle accounts. It is not so bad anymore. I have always liked numbers. I am listening to "It Ends Tonight" by All American Rejects. I love the chorus. LOVE LOVE. Hmm a friend was just online but he's gone off :( I have always enjoyed talking to him.

There is not really much to say. I was sleeping today. Well actually I was lying down and was in that half awake, half dreaming state (my roommate is disbelieving and is convinced I was asleep). But anyway I dreamt of this little boy. And he kept stretching when i touched him. I don't mean stretching as in craning his neck. But stretching as in his arms would just grow longer and longer and longer and his stomach stretched. He was rubber man. Weird.

Am bored bored bored bored bored.

More soon.